I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
