I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
