I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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