when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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