I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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