Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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