Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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