stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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