well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
