Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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