After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
