I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Randomize
