Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
