my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
