I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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