Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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