Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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