what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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