A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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