I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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