I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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