she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
