wanna go halves on a baby?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
