You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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