Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
