end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
