Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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