I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
