dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
