I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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