He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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