what day is it and did you see me today?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
