She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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