Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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