it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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