Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
