good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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