I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
