It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
