i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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