stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
