Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
