He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
