my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
