He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
