while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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