I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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