I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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