Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
