I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
