Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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