then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she woke up with a sticky ear
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize