the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
