Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
