Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
