I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
