you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
