don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
