after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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