Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
