You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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