I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
