My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
