what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
